My New Perspective

Besides changing my body, I believe that my surgery changed my perspective on life. I know that’s a really bold statement to say, but any “traumatic” incident can have that effect over you.

I have known myself to be an extremely independent person. I lived by the mindset that I am going to get the job done better than anyone else. I craved that independance to prove to myself that I didn’t need any help and that I was perfectly capable doing things without relying on other people.

However, that mindset was forced to change when I got the surgery. I had to rely on other people to keep me alive. That is the innate need for independence: to know that you can keep yourself alive. I couldn’t walk, go to the bathroom, sit up, lay down, eat, breath, or sleep without the assistance of someone or something. I was the weakest form of myself for those 4 days I spent in the hospital. All of my ideas about my life were stripped from me and I couldn’t do anything about it.

At first, I was honestly too high and in too much pain to complain. But after that first day they started to reintroduce independence to me again. I had to push a button to administer narcotics to myself every 15 minutes. Only the next day, I had to stand up walk.

But I think the most frustrating moment was when they removed my catheter. Something that you do everyday since the day you were born, without even thinking, was now a struggle. And to make things worse, I had to stand up to even try to be able to use the bathroom. So to simply go pee I would need a nurse to help me stand up, walk me over to the bathroom, help me sit down, help me stand up again, and flush the toilet for me.

I think that was what struck me the most. An absolute reliance on complete strangers to help me with something so personal and simple. And I think in that moment, I allowed myself let down my guard of independence and saw how important it is to allow myself to rely on others.

Of course, I still mainly want to do things for myself, I find that satisfying. But now, I don’t see it as much of an issue if someone wants to help me when it might be more convenient that way. I still struggle with letting someone help me when I know I could probably do it better myself, but it feels good to have given up a little bit.